Choosing Myself Over a Guy

Decisions are hard. They have always been a stumbling block in the roadway of my life. I constantly second guessed the decisions I wanted/needed to make. I second guessed my intuition and God’s leading. I desired approval for the things that I did and would run to every person I knew, asking them what they think I should do. I received such good advice, but still sat there at my roadblock, unknowing which direction in the road I should take.

I stood there in the middle of 5 different directions to take, twirling in a circling to view each one and ending up making myself feel dizzy and overwhelmed.

Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing and as I am being vulnerable, I admit that I always chose guys over myself. They were my priority, my life. I lost my identity in the guys that I fell in love with. After going through heartbreak multiple times, I found myself in yet another relationship, not allowing the healing to take place.

But something was different this last time. I didn’t feel like losing myself in that relationship. At the time I didn’t know that was what was going on exactly. All I knew was that I couldn’t love him like I wanted to, I couldn’t give my all like I used to in past relationships, I couldn’t give up certain things in my life like I used to in past relationships. So, I tried harder, I tried to love him, I tried hard to give my all, I pushed myself to give myself up, because that’s what I thought I needed to do to have a happy relationship. But I couldn’t completely let go of myself.

As time went on, I felt my heart growing heavier and heavier, my soul crying out to me, begging me to stop, to please be alone. To please, for once choose myself. To, for once, choose not to be in a relationship. For once just choose to be with me, to enjoy being alone with myself.

I had to end a relationship with a good person, because my heart was crying out to me to be alone. It couldn’t take it anymore. For my sanity, for my growth, for my well-being, I had to choose to lose someone good, to just be alone and focus on me and my relationship with Jesus. To finally put myself (and Jesus) first in my life.

For years I thought that I needed to choose a man over myself; that the whole point in life was finding a partner to spend it with and being able to give your all to that person. But instead, what that did to me was break me down to the point I was at where I was begging to be alone. I want to be with myself. I don’t want a man to define me. I want to be completely whole in who I am and how did I expect myself to do that if I was constantly in relationships. I want to embrace who I am, not hide myself in a man.

So what does choosing you look like? Is it a selfish indulgence? Please let me tell you it’s not. It is one of the most crucial things you need to do in life.

Choosing you means:

Learning about yourself

Doing the things that make you happy

Learning how to do things alone and growing your independence

Finding what makes you happy

Saying no to things that do not feed your soul

Saying your opinion whether anyone agrees with it or not

Accepting who you are and the way you feel

Growing into the person you want to be

Caring about yourself and doing what’s best for you

Not accepting anything less than you deserve

Learning your value and worth

Being your own protector and having the ability to stand up for yourself

Doing things that some people might not agree with but that you know deep down you need to do/experience

Living up to your fullest potential and not letting anyone get in the way

 

I can say from experience that choosing me over a guy was the most important thing I have ever done in my life. It helped me tremendously to become the woman I’ve always wanted to be. It has taught me the lessons in life that nothing else simply could. I am still in this period of singleness where I choose to be alone simply because that is what my soul needs. I am desiring nothing else in my life besides the love of Jesus and realizing that His love is better than any love that comes from a man. And these lessons will eventually carry me into the next stage of my life when God leads me into my final relationship.